The Practicalities of Conflict Avoidance
In modern society, people who stand up for themselves and for the rights of others are often seen as heroes, as champions of justice. There are, however, a potential costs to this form of heroism.
One of my students recently told me how a friend of his complained to a group of people loudly talking and swearing at the back of a bus. He pointed out that their swearing was disruptive and that there were children on the bus. Several stops later, the man and his girlfriend got off and the group followed them and attacked. The women held the girl back while the men beat him down until he lay bloodied and unconscious.
Last week, an LA moviegoer who was watching a screening of ‘Shutter Island’ spoke up against someone who was talking on his cell phone in the theatre during the movie. A dispute ensued and the man who had spoken up had a meat thermometer plunged into his neck for his efforts. Read the complete story.
Does this mean that we should all just let things go for the sake of avoiding conflict? More often than not, the answer is yes. While the meat thermometer attack is a response you’re unlikely to encounter, in a public place to boot, there are a lot of other potential risks to consider. When you’re dealing with a complete stranger, you don’t know whether or not they have friends willing to jump in, whether they’re carrying a weapon, whether they’re drunk or high, or what they’re capable of in a state of anger. And what do you risk if the conflict ends in a fight? Disfigurement, serious injuries, physical disabilities, brain damage, paralysis. You risk losing the ability to do the things you love and take care of the people you love. It’s not worth it to get directly involved over the little things.
If you find yourself tempted to engage someone in a conflict, stop and calmly think it through. You’ll find that it’s probably not worth it. This isn’t cowardice; it’s simply having the confidence and mental fortitude to know what your priorities are.
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Hey Lori – Good advice. Knowing karate does not make one a super hero… and yes one is still subject to the everyday annoyances of the masses… the real difference is if push comes to shove – a trained fighter will have a better chance.
People shouldn’t take unnecessary risks that could have grave consequences, I agree. Yet it would also be quite immoral to just stand by and watch people being beaten up or molested, if everybody just goes about their business and basically doesn’t give a damn about other’s health and safety social cohesion would break down and we wouldn’t be able to count on our fellow man for anything. This would be a very sad and lonely world and not one I’d like to live in. I think the problem is that in our culture egotism, instead of being deplored, has actually become a virtue (especially in an economic context) and is propagated everywhere. The ironic consequence of that is that in a situation where we might depend on other’s for our very survival we’ll be refused assistance because of other’s equally ingrained (and culturally approved) egotism in the form of real or perceived risks to their well-being. Those situations you’re describing could have ended very differently if other people would have had the guts to stand up to those ruffians and criminals and I very much doubt even an armed thug wouldn’t shy away from a whole group of people opposing and condemming his behaviour. I think it is right to stand up to injustice and if nobody does anything about rude, unacceptable and downright criminal behaviour we’re all basically condoning it and we’re giving those individuals of ill will a free pass to continue abusing the weak and making life miserable for everyone else.
If you’re a good swimmer and you can rescue someone who’s drowning, albeit at a sometimes serious risk to yourself, wouldn’t you be inclined to do so? Not so much out of heroism or foolish pride in your abilities but because of our shared humanity and empathy? Don’t we as martial artists also have a similar duty to intervene in situations where’s someone’s life is clearly at stake and we, given a set of favourable circumstances and a high level of skill on our part, should be able to prevent it even at a risk of harm to ourselves (every fight is has an element of danger, some more so than others). I’m not talking about those situations where intervention would most likely result in our own death or leave us paralysed or gravely wounded while accomplishing nothing except adding to the casualty list but about situations like a gunman threatening someone (with foreseeable high risk of a deadly outcome) but with his body and attention turned away from us or a woman being abducted or somebody being beaten to death on a sidewalk. If no-body is willing to take a risk and will only fend for themselves everyone can be singled out as the next victim, the weak or disabled first. If you’re a highly trained individual (obviously I’m not talking about beginners or even intermediate level students in the martial arts) and you can use your skills to defend someone in grave danger, why wouldn't you? Most violent people are cowards anyway and will usually run when faced with stiffer opposition than they expected and a higher chance of being apprehended by the police.
Under what circumstances would you, a trained martial artist of master-level, be inclined to intervene in a violent or potentially violent situation?
Zara
I just read that article you mentioned and while there isn't enough information to make this conclusive I do think it's at least likely those two people who intervened might have saved that man's life: if they had just minded their own business (surely they wouldn't have been hurt) they had given the perps enough time and opportunity to finish the job. Kudos to them, what they did took courage and quick thinking and it's a great example of what can be achieved if people can set their egotism (which is in large part natural) aside to help another human-being in peril. I also respect the man who complained: if you paid for a movie-ticket you have a right to enjoy the movie in silence and you shouldn't just take crap from egotistical and anti-social jerks who think they own the place. Fear aids the criminals and if you let fear dictate every action you take (I'd better not speak up lest something bad come of it) you're going to be miserable and you're just encouraging bullies to take advantage of you. Of course you shouldn't be rude of agressive yourself (there's still a huge difference between being agressive and being assertive), some people do invite agression against them simply because they couldn't keep their ego in check and had to bad mouth the other party.
Yes, of course, Zara, there are many situations when it would be worth stepping in to do something. But all too many times, people use a blanket approach and intervene about everything without analyzing potential risks.
I'm not saying that I would stand back and not help if a woman or child were being abducted, attacked, etc. But, in the case of my student's friend, he spoke up against a group that was a gang on a bus late at night. Not only did he have no training, he was getting off the bus in a remote location. So yes, even if he had the support of everyone while he was on the bus, as soon as he got off the bus and was alone in the dark, he was completely prone to a very serious attack that could have ended not only his life but that of his girlfriend if they had decided to target her too.
The point of the article was simply that people should think about what they're getting into before diving in. And even if they are going to dive in, they should be cautious about how confrontational they choose to be. Sometimes people are more willing to listen if you approach them with a calmer more measured approach rather than yelling at them or using other highly confrontational tactics.
I wasn't condoning complete non-intervention, just being more aware of the risks.
Point taken, it definitely wasn’t a smart move to confront that gang although it’s still an outrage such individuals are allowed to basically terrorize a whole bus of people. The driver should have alerted the police or an internal security service. In any case when you step in to stop injustice or ask someone to stop obnoxious behaviour you should keep your composure and be polite but firm, being verbally aggressive and challenging or insulting them is in itself wrong and will likely result in violence. I don’t know about Canadian law but here in Belgium you can’t plead legal self-defense if you provoke someone (for example by calling them names) or didn’t at least try to extricate yourself from the situation (taking a few steps back is often enough you don’t have to make a run for it), if you did provoke him the judge will most likely rule you agreed to the fight although the main responsibility still lies with him since he started it. Interestingly a search into the subject revealed the concept of legal defense doesn’t just apply to oneself: if you see someone being assaulted you have every right to step in and stop the situation by force as long as you don’t overdo it and you don’t aid an attacker or a criminal. Besides that there is the concept of neglecting to aid someone in a crisis: this applies equally to a medical emergency, traffic accident or a case of battery or attempted murder. If you witness an assault or abduction and you don’t do anything about it (within reason of course: the law doesn’t require you to step in and fight if it means there’s a chance of serious bodily harm to yourself) you’ll be charged with guilt by neglect (I hope the meaning is clear, it’s not easy to translate legal terms to a foreign language) and you could get fined or worse. At the very least you should phone the cops and let them handle it. In low level conflicts (difference of opinion, rude behaviour) it’s only right you object to bullying and remind people there’s such a thing as respect and manners.
I agree avoidance is an important part of self-defense (along with prevention and physical defense) and common-sense should be employed to judge whether or not it’s worth it to make a stand, still I do think with power comes responsibility and if you can’t or won’t use your skills for good then what kind of martial artist are you? Perhaps this is a bit of a romantic notion but I still believe in protecting the weak and helping to build a better society, martial artists definitely aren’t super-heroes (facing a knife is highly dangerous and we still can’t stop or magically dodge a bullet) and shouldn’t act like vigilantes but if you can prevent a crime or stop a fight (I’m not talking about a drunken brawl here) by all means do so.
Zara
PS: in case training in the martial arts will pay off; for one you'll be better equiped to handle violence if it comes your way, it allows you to put up a credible deterence (violent people often sense you're willing and able to fight if push comes to shove and will usually back down if they know they can get hurt too) and it allows you to help others without endangering yourself or them. Along with a whole host of other benefits of course: getting in shape, maintaining health, developing self-confidence, learning to cooperate with people, developing leadership-skills…
Thanks for your comments as always, Zara. To be honest, I have gotten involved in conflicts in the past to help people who didn't appear able to help themselves, putting my own well-being at risk.
In my case it was a gut-instinct reaction at a bar. A man and a woman were having a fierce argument. I was just walking over to just ask if everything was ok and when I got there the man grabbed the woman by the face, rending her cheek with his nails. I didn't even really think about it, I grabbed him by the hair and pulled him off of her and out of the booth. I fully expected some sort of retaliation, which came but for some reason got directed at someone else, another guy who was part of his group who came over to help just a little later than me. I guess the guy didn't think he could get away with pounding on a woman or he was just confused as to who had been the one to grab him. So the other guy was on the receiving end of the pounding. I guess I got lucky.
Hi Lori,
I commend you for stepping in and coming to that woman’s aid, surely you would have been able to deal with his retaliation in an appropriate and decisive manner. Pulling someone’s hair (with or without an extra blow) to control & throw them (a form of kiri-otoshi) is actually one of my favourite tactics: it immediately puts him off balance and it can be quite unexpected. Maybe you should have taken him all the way down and restrained him, although I realize this is easier said than done in a moment of crisis (hindsight is always 20/20) it’s still safer than letting go and allowing him to mount a counterattack. Personally I’ve never encountered a situation where I needed to step in, except to cover a friend so he could focus on opponents in front of him or restraining a drunken acquaintance. Grown men abusing or disrespecting women or girls would certainly tick me off and it’s surely a valid reason to interfere if there ever was one (diplomacy first, blows if diplomacy failed). I still don’t get why some women actually choose to stay in an abusive relationship but that’s another matter entirely. Another situation where I’d be inclined to step in would be a guy who’s obviously beaten lying on the curb receiving blows & kicks from multiple opponents, this is about as cowardly as it gets and I certainly wouldn’t mind kicking someone in the back or slamming someone’s skull into the pavement in order to defend that guy and potentially save his life. Drunken brawls is something I steer clear off: most of the time it’s a) not very serious (a bunch of angry words, a bit of shoving and a punch thrown) and b) both parties are equally guilty.
One time I actually had to physically remove my brother from such a conflict (more to save him the inconvenience of being arrested than anything else): we were at his birthday-party and for some reason one of his friends got into an argument with someone, about 30 seconds later half of the bar was outside, the other guy’s friends stepped in and there ensued a scene straight out of a nature documentary (a bunch of bavoons screaming at each other and making a whole lot of ruckus over nothing). Then I saw with my own eyes how primitive man can be and how it’s clear, however advanced we may be in terms of cultural & scientific advancement, we and the apes do have a common ancestor after all. Millions of years of evolution are hard to erase and certain instincts like fight-or-flight or the all powerful urges of the libido are hardwired into our system (if I’m not mistaken the argument was over a girl, isn’t it always?) and still kick in and override our rational thought-process. Obviously some of us are a bit more restrained (usually the one’s who don’t drink themselves into a stupor and have an IQ above the mean) and cultivated but I could clearly see and feel how exciting such a display is and how easy it would be to lose your temper and just jump into the fray. From a tactical point of view such fights are utter stupidity since they are impossible to win: half of the time you don’t even know who you’re fighting, there’s no way to retreat and gain distance, since you only have two arms and two legs you can only defend attacks coming from the front, if someone pulls a knife there’s no way in hell you’ll see it coming and you’ll be extremely lucky if you can at least prevent the tip from penetrating your vital organs… Mass fights really are quite suicidal and skill counts for little in a shoving contest.No wonder the ancient Greeks put so much stock in the spear as their primary weapon (it keeps the enemy as far away from you as possible), a sturdy body-shield for protection and grueling physical training to keep pushing forward and not collaps from exhaustion or the weight of the enemy's ranks.
Zara
That incident happened about 14 years ago. I had only been training for about 3 years at the time. There was no real technique to what I did. The guy was sitting in a booth and didn't see it coming. But as I always say to my students, if you control the head, you control the body. It was pretty easy to get him off of her, simply by grabbing him by the hair.
Sadly, the woman went home with the guy despite the incident. Not much you can do about that though. I offered to drive her home, but she refused.
I really like when people are expressing their opinion and thought. So I like the way you are writing