How to Encourage Your Child’s Development through Martial Arts/Sports
“You are the son I never had.”
My father once said this to me and it still rings true. My father had originally wanted a son when my sister was born, but he enjoyed raising a daughter so much that by the time my mother was pregnant with me, he wanted a second one. He got the best of both worlds. He got me.
I had always been a bit of a tomboy, but when I started doing physical activities as a child, my mother wanted to put me into dance. Soccer, was also introduced to my life as a summer activity. As a young child, I didn’t really know what I wanted or what was expected of me in my involvement in these activities. I just thought they were things I was supposed to do, like school. I was never all that great in either, nor did I have a fantastic time with them. I never really felt like I fit into those activities, but I kept doing them until I turned 12.
It was around that time that my father introduced a community calendar of different youth activities designed to let youth explore their interests. He encouraged me to pick something that interested me. I picked fencing, which set me on a path of development through the martial arts for the next 25 years. I competed in fencing for a few years, but in my later teens, my interest waned and I became interested in training in something else that was combat-oriented, but something that would be more useful. This brought me to Jiu-jitsu, and I’ve never looked back.
While I didn’t start on the right path for me, my father did the best possible thing to correct it in my later childhood years. In fact, he did all the right things to encourage me. And in this tribute to him for Father’s Day, I’d like to share what he did so well.
1) Take an interest. Even if the activity your child has chosen isn’t something that you love, taking an interest in what your child is learning makes them value the experience more. Ask your child about what they’re learning, or even do a little research about it on your own. When you better understand the sport, you’ll be better equipped to have conversations about it, and appreciate their progress. My father used to ask me to show him some of the techniques I was learning. One time he grabbed me and asked me what I would do to defend myself. I went through the motions of striking his groin, elbowing his solar plexus, then elbowing his head. While I didn’t actually make contact, it was close enough that he didn’t really want to keep chancing it by having me “defend” against him regularly.
2) Don’t overdo it. Encourage your child. Cheer on their successes. Encourage them when they face challenges. Just don’t go overboard. It’s supposed to be fun. Some parents wrap too much of their own agenda in their child’s success that they put too much pressure on their child to win or progress. This can manifest as over-zealous cheering, berating teachers/referees/judges for calls/decisions that impact one’s child, etc. Putting too much pressure to perform, directly or indirectly, can take the fun out of it for your child. My dad used to come out to cheer me on at my fencing tournaments. It was not in an aggressive way, he just used to get really excited when I scored points or won bouts. Being a teenager at the time, it used to embarrass me, but I did appreciate his support. Fortunately, he listened to me when I asked him to tone down his cheers a bit.
3) Have high hopes, but be realistic in your expectations. If your child is really young, 2-4 years old, they won’t be learning anything requiring extreme focus or high levels of coordination. At that age, they’re still learning to move, behave, interact with others, etc. They’re even learning to learn. At older ages, children may learn more, but still might goof off on occasion when they’re supposed to be practicing. Of course, misbehaviour should be corrected, but make it gentle, unless it’s recurring. My dad had the highest of hopes for me when I got my black belt. He wanted to see me go on to teach, even open my own school one day. At the time, I didn’t see my life going that way. He never pushed me that direction, especially given my own perspective at the time. And here I am now, a martial arts school owner who’s been teaching for over 17 years.
4) Be accepting of your child’s interest level. After your child has been at an activity for a while, their interest may begin to dwindle. If they’ve been doing it for a shorter time, it may just be that they’ve reached a plateau. Talking to your child about why they’re losing motivation to train can help you determine if this is the case. They might need to be challenged more by their instructor. But if your child’s reasons for lack of motivation are simply ongoing disinterest, you might have to accept that it’s time for them to move on to something else. This may be hard to accept if you’ve invested a lot of time, effort, and/or money into their development, but adults wouldn’t normally waste their time, money and energy on something they don’t enjoy. Why would you expect your child to? My father was good about this. I know he was disappointed when I gave up fencing. I had made good progress. I had achieved the rank of 26 in Canada for women’s foil. He had spent hundreds of dollars on my equipment, and even more on training. But when I told him I wanted to stop fencing and take up a martial art, he supported me 100%. Being a 16-year-old, I did my own research into what I wanted to take, but he willingly paid for all my training until I reached adulthood.
I think my father wished that I had taken an interest in the martial arts when I was younger. I could see him having taken it up himself if I had. When I was younger, I do remember him suggesting that my sister and I try Taekwondo, but I didn’t know much about it, nor did I have friends who did it. And my mother was never a great fan of combat sports for her little girls. My dad may not have gotten to share in my training experience as a child, but he was able to correct it much later on. A few years back, my parents were visiting me in Vancouver. I offered to take them out to my dojo to watch a class, but as I made the offer, it dawned on me. My father had never tried Jiu-jitsu in all these years. So I made an offer that I thought he would refuse being a man in his late 60s, I asked him if he wanted to train. I wasn’t sure he would, but he did. It was really satisfying to see him enjoy himself in my class.
Seeing him listening intently and trying his best to learn what I was teaching made me feel like my life had come full circle. I have enjoyed a very rich and rewarding life of training in the martial arts, and my Dad played no small part in that.
Did you have a good experience with your parents encouraging you in physical activities in your youth? How so? Please share your thoughts in the comments.
We're proud to announce that Lori O'Connell Sensei's new book, When the Fight Goes to the Ground: Jiu-jitsu Strategies & Tactics for Self-Defense, published through international martial arts publisher Tuttle Publishing, is now available in major book stores and online. More about it & where to buy it.
What an awesome story! I wish I’d had the benefit of parental support at such an early age. But the struggle to follow my heart and my dream in the absence of champions has had its own influence, and I think maybe I’m a stronger person for it. It just took me a bit longer to find myself.
Lesson learned: a child is born to be the person s/he is. A parents job is to help them figure out what they are.